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No More Fears

October 29, 2015
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Once I had a student named Maddy, short for Madeline (a real teacher’s pet), return from college. She said the greatest thing she learned in my class was a strong work ethic. I remembered how she struggled and sat bawling in my tattered chair, overwhelmed with schoolwork and adolescence. I listened, then guided through the fray. I witnessed her trudge through the drama that teenage girls are subject to endure. She persevered. Now, Maddy is acing college papers. She thanks me, but she really did the work.

Now it’s my turn to write, and where is the work ethic I supposedly could instill? Where is my person to sit and listen to me cry about why I didn’t write anything? I got drama, too! I quit my career nine months ago to pursue my Reiki practice and now the writer in me is knocking. She competes with my single mom list. Up till now I haven’t answered. I just shout:

But the floors need sweeping

the dishes need scrubbing

laundry is piling, dog needs walking, the phone is ringing

bills need paying

the business needs marketing

and the kids, hell, they need everything!

 She waits. And knocks Louder.

 Frustrated with my untimely guest at the door, I call my Arizona girlfriend, who knows me best. “I want to write. I have so much to say, but I can’t seem to get anything down.” I didn’t dare admit that I hadn’t traded the mop for the pen.

“Rhiana, if you really want to be a writer, you need to think of yourself as one.”

It clicked. I needed to change how I perceived myself. I whispered to my shadow self, my ideas matter. I ignored the dark voice that tormented. You’ve already reinvented yourself enough, now you want to write!

It’s a good thing I saw that witch for what she really was—Fear. Knowing Fear is the opposite of Love. I left the witch standing outside but thanked her for stopping by. I allowed my writer, and my love for the word to enter the seat of my soul. Admittedly, I was nervous about my new house guest.

I entertained her, and for the next couple of days I called myself a writer (despite not believing it). She called my bluff and took over my futzing with the blank page. In that moment I became. I am a writer. I feel it. The keys are tapping; my idea is anchoring. I’m slinging some ink, I’m crafting an idea. My muse is singing—yippee! Then whoosh, kerplunk, my idea switches directions, I’m lost in the middle, where has my meaning gone?

Remember Maddy, persevere. Remember all the others you believed in, put that faith in yourself and write through the chaos, into the storm of ideas, and out the muddled thoughts. I plunge and gasp and kick and edit punctiliously.

My soul is officially in the driver’s seat. I still see Fear peeking through the window. I smile at her unabashed, then dart back to the keyboard. I refuse to entertain her anymore; eventually she will go away completely.

Until my keyboard and I meet again, I will percolate ideas in my coffee pot head and work on a new brew for our next read together. Cheers!

Rhiana Tehan is a Holy Fire Karuna Master Teacher under her company Be Reiki, LLC. It is her mission to provide compassionate and quality Reiki training and healing sessions. Rhiana blogs on her website sharing her story of awakening to a more heart-centered life. She is both a member of the International Association of Reiki Professionals (IARP) and the The International Center of Reiki Training (ICRT).

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